Scrambled Egg.

Eat Pray Love

“I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy it’s delights”

“I used to experience all the world’s sadness as my own. Everything sad leaked through me and left damp traces behind.”

“[It’s] about disentangling the built-in glitches of the human condition … the heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment.”

“Haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and your nonstop worrying about the future so that you can seek, instead, a place of eternal presence.”

I need to learn how to live in the moment, not as in, go and do crazy things, but just to be. Not worrying about WHY, just be.

Anybody who has ever had therapy for depression, will recognise the elements of the below quote. It helped me then, and I need to remember this.

“Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring … instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then - with great forgiveness and fortitude - dismissing them.”

Depression.

I’ve been reading Eat Pray Love for the last few weeks. This in itself, is most unusual. I normally devour a book within a few days, at most a week. It’s because it’s consuming me, making me think & challenging me. It’s really hard going.

I normally read ‘bubblegum books’ to escape to an easy alternate universe. I had an argument with a colleague today, about that kind of media. Some people look down on the folk who read, watch & listen to ‘crap’; I don’t, it’s escapism. Easy escapism. People who ONLY do that, fair dos. But sometimes it’s all you need.

Anyway, back to the book. I’m only halfway through, but it’s affecting me greatly. I keep reading things that really connect with me. I don’t very often experience that with a book.

You see, there’s a lot in there that focuses on depression. Not the kind of depression that comes about through negative circumstances or anger at the world, but the depression that I suffer with. The apathy at doing ANYTHING, because when you really think about it, what is the point? The kind of depression that is really hard to beat, because it’s all truth and there’s nothing that you or anyone else, can do about it. It comes about from thinking too much about why we are really here, and the fact that no matter how much influence we THINK we are having on other people or the world, it doesn’t matter at all. Within 100 years, no one will remember or care. 

It’s the kind of depression, that when you think too much about these kind of questions, will consume every part of your life. You can’t do anything without thinking about your own mortality. Or mortality in general. I struggle to find the point in things that other people take as a given. What does it really matter? 

There’s probably a few people that will read this and know exactly what I mean; the deep thinkers, the philosophers. The people that read it and think ‘well that’s just depressing’ and then disregard it; I ENVY YOU. The people that wander through life getting excited by what they are having for tea, or what they are watching on the television; I pity and envy you in equal amounts. To not have to consider the point of things, to just enjoy whatever pleasure you can find, however you find it. Surely that is the point?

Potions & motions.

I GOT 83% ON MY FIRST TEST FOR MY BEAUTY COURSE!! 

HAAAAAAAAAAAPPYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Garters.

I’ve been considering my views on marriage a lot lately. Mostly because I want to start a family sooner rather than later, and I want to know whether I feel I should be married before, after or not at all. But also because…. I know he wants to get married & I’m not sure if I do. 

(NB. I know where I’d get married if I decided I wanted to - see http://www.ickworthwestwing.co.uk/gallery.htm. I’d never been there before, and yet I knew it’s where I’d get married. I’ve been like that about things before; I’d never been to Paris before 2009, yet I knew it was my favourite place in the world - in fact, I felt so strongly about it that I cried when I first saw her. Anyway, we drove past Ickworth House on our way back from Birmingham at the weekend, and randomly decided to stop there, and yes, it is where I would get married… if I ever decided it was worth it.)

So, back to the actual point, I used to think I needed to get married before having children, and yet recently, my views on that have changed. Just like my views on so many, more superficial, things such as Smart cars, tattoos, girls, meat etc…

I think the only reason I’d want to get married was if/when I have children, so I would have the same last name as them, and we’d be a family. Outside of that, I don’t see that as partners, we have any need to get married. Although, legally I don’t know what rights we would have as cohabitees rather than spouses, Chris is down as my next of kin, and my family know what they would need to do in certain situations - Chris comes first.

I’ve always liked the idea of being married and thought of it as this huge, massive commitment, but the last few years have shown me otherwise. Both of Chris’s sisters got married within a year of each other, the latest one a year ago this month in fact, and both are now divorced/divorcing. Possibly not such a huge shock, considering recent statistics (one in ten marriages don’t make it past 5 years, and 45% will ultimately end in divorce - timesonline) but.. let me add to the story… the younger of the sisters had been with her partner 5 years before they got married, they were happily married for only slightly over a year before she moved in with someone else… Chris’s older sister had been with her partner well over 10 years, they got married in February 2010 and her husband had an affair and left her within a few months. 

Both have rocked my faith in marriage and love. I don’t believe in true love, The One, soul mates, all that crap. It’s impossible. (pretty much the same reason I don’t have a religion - I can’t believe in something that makes no sense) But I do believe in the power of love. (The power of lovvvveee… a force from abovvvve… sorry..)

I really thought that marriage should be forever. But how can I say that when I don’t believe in true love?

January. Again.

2011 is a stop-gap year. But I already love it.

And I’m afraid that I’ve put people behind me. For my own health & sanity.

Is it dinner-time yet?

I’m free in 17 hours.

I get this stupid bandage off my foot tomorrow at 5.15pm.

Can’t bloody wait.

I’ll be able to scratch, have a shower, stretch, all those fabulous free-footed things. But, I still wont be able to wear shoes. Or socks.

I will still have a pin sticking out the end of my toe. Probably for another 4 weeks. (It will have a nice little hat on though, apparently)

I also don’t know when I’ll be able to drive again, so I’m relying on parents & public transport for getting to work. As I work in a tiny village, public transport is a last resort - it takes an hour on the bus to get to work, which is about 10 miles from my house.

If I’d have known before the kind of hassle & absolute agony this was going to cause, I would have never gone to the doctors in the first place.

Thank god for BUPA is all I’ve got to say on the matter.

Nuhnight x

Anonymous asked: How will screaming help warm up my feet?

It won’t. But it’s not what you asked me. You asked me what I ‘would do to recommend’, not what I recommend that you do. 

Hypothetically speaking…

Imagine a little girl, maybe 5 or 6, sitting on the floor of her living room. She’s upset and lonely. Her mum is on the sofa next to her, but this little girl feels strange and awkward, so is avoiding sitting next to her mum, or even looking at her. She’s busy writing on a scrap of paper, which she stares at a while before getting up the courage to push it over the arm of the sofa towards her mum. Her mum picks it up, laughs, says “Don’t be so silly” and screws the paper up.

Written on the scrap paper was the simple sentence “Do you love me?”, and two tick boxes; one for yes and one for no.

All hypothetical of course.

Anonymous asked: Do you have any regrets?

Yes. I can’t go into any further detail. Mega sorry.